Facing Self Doubt and Knowing Your Value with Comedian Bente Engelstoft
Bente Engelstoft is an Emmy-winning writer, actor, and comedian based in Los Angeles. Starting her career off on the stages of Second City where she improvised, wrote and performed, Engelstoft made her way out to L.A. where she was a writer for the 2016 CBS Diversity Showcase and a writer / performer for the 2017 Showcase. She then went on to write for The Ellen Degeneres Show, winning not one but three Emmys. Engelstoft also founded her own company, Business Woman, with her first project, The Women, being an award winning short film. And she hasn’t stopped there, creating self-made projects through the pandemic and executive producing a horror film that is premiering in SXSW 2022. As a queer, Latinx, first-generation American, female comedian, Engelstoft is paving the way for writers, performers and filmmakers who never saw themselves represented in the filmmaking industry. Engelstoft is finding purpose in creating stories for those that feel unseen, unheard and unrepresented and is an example of a creator that is harnessing her superpowers by knowing her value.
This interview is transcribed and edited by Jade Gonzales. interview from february 2022
On Her Early Life
Can you tell us more about your background both professionally and personally?
Yeah, absolutely. They are kind of married in that way. I grew up in Houston, Texas. My mother's from Mexico and my father’s from Denmark, so I'm a first generation American born here in the states. When I was 14, I went to boarding school in Denmark. I was so against it but then after about six months, I was like, “this is pretty cool” and ended up all four years in Denmark. I went to college in Scotland and studied at The University of Glasgow where I got my degree in theater.
How did your experience in school shape you as a writer?
My school was very theory based. It was reading plays, examining them and then going to see the shows. Learning theater language was really fun and fascinating, however, I had such a desire to do and to make rather than just talk about it. And so I chose to go to Second City and Chicago to actually learn and go to a weekly class with the same people and do cool theater class stuff. I like to move, be silly and make people laugh so I found that much more valuable than my school classes. It’s where I learned to fail and to learn from those failures. I got to see what works and what doesn't work and learned how to approach comedy.
For people who have just been told “hey, you're funny, get up and do comedy” they tend to struggle with audiences because they are not reading the room. So much of the learning is on reading the room and knowing who your audience is. It is about your voice but also about the ears that are going to hear it. Going to school abroad was hugely influential because there are different senses of humor. In Denmark they're very sarcastic and dry and that's how my humor was. And then I went to Scotland and everyone would tell me, “oh, Bente is an American who gets sarcasm” so it made me special. And then I moved to the Midwest where everyone is so tender and kind and earnest so I was like “oh, this doesn't work here.” It really taught me to be a collaborator and to work with people, especially in improv because you are so reliant on the people you're playing with to have your back and you have to have their back in return. And that's what I've brought to anything that I do now, is that I am one of many, I'm a collaborator. I want to know everybody's opinions and consider them. And it's exciting to me because I think more minds, more points of view are going to give us a better picture, you know?
On Getting Started in Comedy
Were you always naturally funny or did you develop your comedic voice over time? If so, how was your comedic voice developed?
I think I was always very silly and goofy. I was always making my parents laugh. My parents, living in Houston, didn't have a lot of American friends so whenever new Danes were in town, they would have them over for dinner and a lot of them were young adults so I was always surrounded by adults and I loved an audience. I was always trying to make people laugh, telling them the dirtiest jokes. I also think in order for me to cope with difficult things, I need to look at the thing that’s absurd about it and I have to laugh. I'm a very sensitive person so sometimes to avoid crying, I have to laugh or else if I actually let it affect me, it's gonna destroy me. So it’s about creating boundaries to protect myself. It takes some work for sure. And, a lot of it's pretending, faking it until you make it. It was a lot of talking to myself and self soothing, it's also about being vulnerable. Vulnerability is the secret sauce. As soon as you allow yourself to be emotionally exposed, it allows people in and that’s what they relate to. And that's what makes your work stronger. You're showing something that traditionally we've been told that we shouldn't be showing or sharing.
How did you get involved in Second City?
I found a dissertation on improvisational theater and I learned in my research about Chicago and the Second City. I didn’t know where I wanted to go after college and having read about the Second City with all these people I loved and admired coming out of there, I ended up moving to Chicago after college. That was really like my postgraduate. It was learning how to make comedy from an improv perspective but also from a sketch comedy perspective. It's also really where I started writing. I was primarily writing live storytelling pieces and I loved that because I had all these wild stories and found it was a way to work through these things that have happened to me in a funny, comedic way, even if some of the subjects were sadder. But the big thing when you're in comedy, especially in Chicago, is when SNL comes to town. So you have to have your five minutes of characters ready. That’s how I started writing these solo characters for myself.
What came after Second City?
I realized I reached as much as I was going to in Chicago. My dream was to own a theater and produce shows but when people started leaving Chicago and moving to LA, I was like maybe I can dream bigger. I think of me growing up as a woman in this world and how we are told to humble ourselves. In Danish culture, they have Jante’s Law, which basically means I'm no better than you and you’re no better than me. And so I didn't really allow myself to dream bigger than owning a theater. And although that would have been incredible and I would’ve loved it, I identified that it was okay to want more than that. So I ended up auditioning for this CBS diversity showcase in 2015. They didn't cast me as an actor, but they were like, “you're very funny so would you come write for us?” So I moved to L.A. and did the showcase as a writer the first year.
What was it like being a writer on the CBS Diversity Showcase?
I was devastated because I wanted to be acting but this was the opportunity presented to me so I was going to do my best. I learned so much about writing for other people which is not something I had done before. Suddenly I was writing for 22 actors and had to learn what their strengths were and write to their POVs while still keeping the integrity of my comedic voice. After the showcase in 2016, I auditioned again in 2017 because I'm a glutton for punishment and they took me as an actor which was a really cool experience. I ended up getting my first manager through that who helped me submit to a bunch of different shows. I was down to write anything comedy - pilots, samples, pitches, whatever. The first one to hit was The Ellen show, which was nuts.
On Her Career
What was it like to win an Emmy for your writing?
It was unbelievable. The writers hadn’t won in five years so when we were getting ready to go to the Emmy’s everyone was like, “lower your expectations.” And we won! It was so fun, unexpected and exciting. I felt so proud and even though it’s just an award, it was more about being recognized for all the daily grind of coming up with jokes, writing and rewriting, all the hard work. So it was really cool to get recognized in that way. And for all of the experiences on the way, I don't think anything is wasted. If you write something and it doesn't sell or it doesn't get performed or doesn't get produced, it doesn't mean it was a waste of your time. It is going to be used somehow, somewhere and it is bettering you.
Can you talk more about being a staff writer? How much do you have to shape your ideas to fit the show?
So I wrote on Ellen for three years and the first year was truly just me being like “so glad to be here. I'm reading the room, I'm gonna pipe up when it's appropriate, I'm gonna fit in” because these people have been working together for years, some of them for decades so they had their rhythm. But everything was new and exciting. So I think that my place, that I found in that room, was to be the excited one, the enthusiastic one without ever overtaking or overstepping. And what was really great about the show is once they got to know me, they realized, oh, we have a real asset. As somebody who's willing to be silly on camera and who can write well. And that ended up being my strength in the room, that I was always game. I was always down to be silly, make myself a fool. I love to make people laugh and her audience is so enthusiastic and excited so there was great room to play.
When you write, do you know what scenes you are going to act in yourself or is this an after-thought?
In my case, it was usually me pitching myself. I would be like, I've got an idea for a bit where I go and do this and we bring a camera crew and so on. And then they would tell me either that sounds great or no. You are still writing from Ellen's point and what they would think is funny. So sometimes you'll pitch something that is more of your own comedy and sometimes you can find a happy medium. We’d all learn together what works and what doesn't. The beauty of a talk show is that every day is a new show. If you had a bad day, guess what? Tomorrow's a completely different show. You're starting from a clean slate. I loved that sort of rhythm and it was always something fun and new. It was neat to be able to write in that space because you get to explore a different type of comedy.
Can you tell us about Business Women?
Business Women is my own production company where I get to create the products I care about. I made a short film with my friend Lauren Robertson in 2019 called The Women. We tried selling it to different places, and nobody was going for it so we were like, let’s just make it ourselves. And If there is anything I can tell young filmmakers and young creators is, just do it yourself. Even if you’re on a tiny budget, do it on your iPhone, whatever it is, make it for yourself. There is so much to learn from start to finish of how to make a short film. It was my first step into the world of being a producer of my own things.
On Her Workflow
What other projects have you been working on?
I made a short film during the pandemic called Peckish, in which I was the DP, director, actor and writer. I was also one of the executive producers on a film that is going to premier in SXSW next month called Bitch Ass. It is the first Black masked serial killer. My dear friend Bill Posley directed it and brought it together with my husband Jonathan Colomb. And you know, the same thing - these are two guys that have been working a long time trying to make things happen and they said “let’s write a full feature length film and we're gonna make it ourselves.” They raised all the money and shot it in 12 days during the pandemic. And now it's going to be premiered by SXSW, it’s awesome.
How have you developed the confidence to sit down with an idea and then decide you are going to do this project by yourself?
It is definitely very hard. Let me be transparent and say there is so much self-doubt that I experienced. You say to yourself “so many people have this same goal and not all will achieve it so why me? Why would I deserve this?” So for me it was about learning to love myself. But truly it was believing I have worth, I have value. I have things to say and not everyone has to like it but coming to terms with the fact not everyone's gonna like you and that's okay, your people will find you and your work will speak to somebody and it'll help them. It'll save them. It'll make them feel better. It'll make them feel heard or seen. And that to me, that’s the most important. I’m not trying to grab everybody and be beloved by them, I'm trying to reach people who are feeling unrepresented and unseen in media. For me, I don't have as many people to look up to as say a cis white woman or especially a cis white man, and go that’s exactly who I’m going to be, as a queer Latinx woman I’m going have to pave that and do the work. So if I’m going to make mistakes, I’m going to learn from them and I’m going to know that this won't all be for nothing. It's about having the confidence of just knowing that you have a point of view and people wanna hear and see it. Your stories, your voice could inspire and save someone else. I know that has been the case for me when I've watched things that really resonated, you know, and it can be very healing.
Do you ever get nervous with performing and being vulnerable?
Absolutely! Specifically my solo show was really intimidating because I set it up so I was only performing for one person at a time. There were eight pieces, and then one person would come in for each bit. That’s putting a lot of pressure on that audience member, but it was my focus to make them feel comfortable. And I thought in order to do that, I have to be vulnerable myself and be silly and give them permission to laugh. But there's always the fear that they're not gonna connect to it or get it. And for a long time that bothered me because I'm definitely a people pleaser. It's a real Achilles heel of mine and I'm working very hard to remind myself that I'm not gonna be for everyone.
As a creative, especially when you are creating projects for yourself, how do you keep yourself organized and motivated as well as prioritized?
It's real hard. If I’m writing a new sample, it is truly pulling teeth to get me to sit down. I need a deadline and then I will schedule time for me to work on it and I will work on it in bursts. For a long time, I thought I was a procrastinator. And my therapist goes, “do you get the work done?” And I said, “yeah.” And she said “then you are not a procrastinator, that’s just your way of working.” That really flipped that narrative. That sentiment has given me permission to say “I just have a different process than some people.” Some people can wake up every day, make a cup of coffee and write for three hours straight. That's awesome and sounds very productive. I can't do that. I procrastinated for three weeks and then just wrote the whole thing in eight hours. That's just my method and it works for me.
Now that’s not the case in writing with friends. I'm writing a feature film with a friend right now. We meet three days a week and we write together and I would say, especially early on, get yourself a buddy. Even if you're not writing on the same script, maybe just on zoom or at a coffee shop, get together and hold each other accountable. Give each other goals, it's really helpful to have someone that you can bounce things off of. And that's scary. I will say that- it took me a long time to learn how to share my scripts. I know that I can be defensive, but it's how you get better. It’s also remembering that when people give you feedback for your personal work, unlike in a workplace, you can take it with a grain of salt. It's whatever resonates for you. A huge thing is trusting your gut and knowing if the changes give you a feeling of excitement or dread.
On Community
Do you have any additional advice that you can give young filmmakers?
My biggest advice is to try on a few hats. I thought I was gonna be an actor and that was it. And then I tried writing and found so much fulfillment from that because you are in charge of yourself but when you're an actor, oftentimes you're waiting for other people to create a space for you to do your skill. So give yourself permission to try on a few different things and explore other opportunities and find things that you might not even realize that you enjoy. I think a lot of people get stuck in the mindset of this is my goal and I have to do it or everyone will know if I don't meet my goal. Actually everyone's way too busy trying to do their own goals. Focus on you. That's the best advice I've ever gotten. My friend Ben said to me, “eyes on your own paper.” We look at social media and see what other people are doing and compare ourselves which is the worst thing you can do. There's enough for everyone. We have to come from a place of abundance and not scarcity. That's what's gonna allow us all to flourish. So if your friend is doing well, that's only good for you. That means that they can succeed. That means you can too, rather than thinking they did it so I can't. I remember early on, I was writing a script for something new and then all of a sudden, as I'm saying it, I'm like, “is that the plot of home alone?” But no, art inspires art, inspires art. You can't help but be inspired by the things that you watch and see, it's going to infiltrate you and your work's gonna inspire other people. But no matter what it is through your filter, it is through your lens. It is your story, your experience.
Is there a piece of work that you're most proud of?
I'm really proud of my solo show. I wasn't getting hired, I was done with the showcase, trying to get staffed and nothing was happening. So I was like, “well you know what? I know how to write a show and I have never done a solo show so why not?” I'm really proud of that show because it was so different for me and I loved how many people trusted me. Even now people will talk to me about pieces they saw on that show and that stuff makes me really happy. I think especially in this pandemic, it is a lot harder to get up on stage and book places. And quite wonderfully TikTok has come along and the amount of creatives I follow and watch.. I'm just enjoying the stuff that they're making because they're making it for themselves. And I finally have access to it. Anything that you wanna create, put it up on the internet. Maybe 10 people will look at it, maybe 400 and those people will enjoy it. And that way you're making stuff for yourself, just know that it's for yourself. And it's only gonna make you a stronger artist.
Do you have any advice on how to find a community? How to find the people that will make your work and yourself better?
The Light Leaks is a great example of really fostering that. As far as making my connections, I got very lucky that when I first got out here, I had the CBS showcase and so a lot of those people became my long-time friends and my LA friends. During the summer last year, I held an outdoor comedy show in my backyard. I made it as covid-safe as humanly possible. I realized how much I missed and how much everyone else missed being able to be together in the same space. If you can't physically do that, I would recommend even doing zoom hangs. I've got a friend who is part of this group that on the month of a full moon, they share art and all these different artists come onto the zoom and they just share what they're working on. It might be an embroidery piece that they've been working on, a poem. It's about finding groups that you can share what you're doing and get feedback (or don't). You're going to meet the people you're gonna work with, because you're gonna read a script that you wrote and someone's gonna say, ‘hey, I have my dad's old camera, do you wanna go try and shoot some stuff for this?” By sharing it, you're letting other people in and you will just naturally start to collaborate and grow friendships from that.
On Her Future
Is there anything that you are most excited for within the next six months?
I'm really excited to get into a new room and to start working collaboratively again. I have been in my office or in my dining room working, by myself or over Zoom with one friend. I'm really excited to be, even if it's on a Zoom, with 10, 15 other people and all making each other laugh with jokes that will never end up in the script or in the show, but they're just for us to make. You're just trying to make a room full of funny people laugh. And when you do that, that feels great.
Longterm, where else do you see your career going?
I'm actually developing my short film with Lauren Robertson, The Women, for a TV show, which is very exciting. At the same time, I would love to get staffed again, work on a half hour comedy, something narrative. I haven't done that yet. I've written pilots but I've never gone to write a season of narrative television. We're having so many great shows on TV right now for women. I mean, Pen 15, Hacks and Yellow Jackets, all these great female driven shows that are so intricate and interesting and different from what we’ve been watching in the last 20 years so I want in.
Continue following Bente’s journey at her INSTAGRAM and WEBSITE!